I was due April 18th and could not wait for the day to come. I was so uncomfortable in my pregnancy being nine months along and I didn't know how I could make it another month. My ankles and feet were so swollen it was hard to walk and I was having tons of back pain and pain in my hips as well as a hard time breathing with someones little feet in my ribs. I had just been at MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) the previous day telling all my friends how I hoped that our little girl would come early because I didn't think I could make it.
I wanted my pregnancy to feel all wonderful and special but at that point it just hurt and I was ready for it to be done!
Careful what you wish for.
The next morning I woke up at 7:30am with a feeling like menstrual cramps. It didn't feel like labor because it wasn't stopping and starting, it was just one long continuous cramp and according to all the many many birth stories and labor books I read that's not what it felt like. I assumed that Ariel was just laying in some weird position putting pressure on me in such a way that was causing cramps, so I got up and started going about my day but the cramp continued to get stronger.
When in doubt call your mama!
I love how my mom is always there for me no matter what, even though she's far away in a different country I know I can always call her. We talked on the phone for a few minutes and she told me she thought I was probably just having braxton and hicks, I hadn't had them yet so we both agreed that's probably what it was but I promised to call her back in a few hours if it didn't stop.
An hour or so later I started to get a little worried because I was still cramping! I didn't think it could be labor because I didn't have that "feeling", the feeling every woman says she has when its her time and she just knows its going to be that day but I decided to call my midwife anyway. Paulette, our sweet tender kind midwife didn't think it was labor either, after all our baby girl wasn't due for another 4 weeks or so! She didn't seem worried at all and told me I could just continue going about my day.
So I met up with a good friend Kayla and we went out for coffee and manicures, catching up and sharing about our lives. It had been awhile since I'd seen her and it was so sweet to share about everything going on with us. But in the background of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about the pain I was feeling that continued to get stronger and stronger. I noticed that I was starting to walk funny and couldn't close my legs properly, but I just shrugged it off and continued enjoying myself. At the manicure salon I was joking about how my water could break right on her feet and she might have to catch my baby, she nonchalantly shrugged and said she'd grab the pedicure tub if she needed to. I guess nail technicians are really well trained these days!
After our manicure K and me decided to stop by Terry's Health Food Store before heading home so she could grab some essential oils. While we were there I really had to pee so I waddled as quickly as I could to the bathroom. As I started peeing I suddenly had this sharp shooting INTENSE pain but I felt relieved because it was obviously a bladder infection! I called Paulette and told her what I was experiencing and she agreed and told me what medicine to grab while I was at Terry's. I remember thinking how perfect the Lord had timed it, that I would find out I had a bladder infection WHILE I was at Terry's and could pick up the medicine.
I remember having a hard time choosing between two types of cranberry pills.
I remember wondering if I should by the chapstick on the check out counter, I remember Kayla showing me what she purchased as we headed out the door, french tipped fingers and laughter.
I remember waddling out the front door and reaching the car when
BAM.
It felt like something punched through my downstairs, no lie. It was a sharp pop of pain that caused me to give a little cry and fall/lean over onto the car.
And then my water came gushing out like Niagara falls, all over the curb and sidewalk right outside of Terry's.
I yelled out to Kayla, "MY WATER BROKE!" and she asked if I was sure, and oh was I sure because it continued to gush out, against my control, as we spoke! I couldn't believe it, I think I was in shock. I kept looking down at my dark blue maternity jeggings, coffee in one hand, Terry's medicine in the other. We took me back inside where I waddled to the bathroom.
I am so incredibly happy to have had Kayla with me, she was the perfect friend to me at that time. She came into the bathroom with me while I sat on the toilet in total shock.
This was pretty much my thought process/conversation at the time,
I know I should be calling people but who do I call, WOAH that's a lot of water, is it still coming out? Will it ever stop? Kayla I think I'm gonna have diarhhea and I can't stop it! I need to call my mom! Mom, hello? I'M IN LABOR! MY WATER BROKE I'M AT TERRY'S HEALTH FOOD STORE! IT CAME GUSHING OUT! THERE'S SO MUCH WATER! MOM? MOM? STOP SQUEELING AND LISTEN TO ME! I have to call the midwife! oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm in labor. I'm IN LABOR. Paulette? Hello Paulette? MY WATER BROKE! Yes, I'm at Terry's!! Oh I'm SURE it's my water. *hysterical laughing* Ok, should I go home? Ok. Ok I'll see you later!
I couldn't have made it through without Kayla who should seriously consider being a Doula. She was so supportive and wonderful, she was making calls and laughing with me and freaking out with me as only a real friend can. :)
We couldn't get ahold of Elijah so I think I called our friend Kitty who went off Fast and Furious style to go find him. (my memory gets a little fuzzy here and there as the shock, and later pain made everything seem so surreal)
Kayla drove me and I contracted in her car while we chatted about her boyfriend, this was not the day I had in mind for my labor but it was definitely here and there was no stopping it!
We got inside to find Roberta there and her and Kayla helped me sit down and get comfortable. At this point the contractions stopped and I was feeling very calm/excited and so thankful other women were with me and I wasn't alone. Half an hour later my beautiful husband arrived. He was feeling pretty stressed at the suddenness of it all! This was not what we were expecting! I think he called our midwife, Paulette and made sure she was coming.
After being home for about 30 minutes my contractions really started. Now I knew that these were contractions because they would come on and my whole body would tense with the pain, but so far it was manageable. I did my deep breathing while Lij (my husband) or Kayla timed the contractions. Eventually Kayla left to get birth supplies because we hadn't ordered ours yet and that's about the last thing I remember with clarity because that's when my contractions kicked up to about a 10.
Suddenly each contraction was so intensely painful that my body didn't just tense with pain it felt more like my body became pain. I began clenching and unclenching my toes as I receded more and more into myself.
Was I already in the zone? I thought that wouldn't happen tell way later, but I knew I was. I was so removed from everything around me, I lost all sense of purpose and self. I wasn't thinking about birth or delivery or that I'd get a baby at the end of all of this, and all I wanted was silence, darkness, and to be left alone. I was surprised that I was able to handle the pain as strong as it was but I lost all concept of time - present, past, or future. There were only the waves... the crashing tidal wave of each contraction, and the tide that would pull them out again giving me a brief moment of rest. I was 2-3 minutes between contractions from the very beginning. I vaguely remember the sky getting darker.
Mostly I remember Jesus.
He really was my constant companion through the whole process, and He was where I went with every contraction. I would cry out to Him every time, like a safety raft in a storming ocean I would throw myself upon Him again and again. Begging Him to take the pain, repeating to myself that He is the way, the truth, and the life, crying out with each contraction that it wasn't my pain it was His power. I stayed in constant continually prayer with Him in my mind and it's really the only thing that got me through because at this point each contraction felt like it would rip me apart, like my cells must be splitting and be torn into pieces. It was so much worse that I ever thought it would be. But in the moment I couldn't think of that, I could just survive and throw myself on the Rock of Ages again and again.
I began vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't believe how different my labor was going from every other labor story I had read.. my consolation was that our baby must be coming quickly! I was sure I'd be pushing very soon which gave me courage to continue!
Lij checked the time and I had been having these contractions for seven hours, I heard him say that somewhere out there in the world I had checked out from and I remember thinking, "wow I've been doing this for seven hours? It doesn't feel that long!"
At some point our midwife got there and began setting up the birthing pool, I remember thinking it was rude that I hadn't said hi to her before being swept away on another contraction. She decided to check my dilation, this was the part I was ready for, to be told I would get to push soon.
I was at a 3.
a T H R E E.
I couldn't believe it. All the courage and the confidence I felt left when she pronounced that number, it felt like a death sentence and I thought to myself, "I can't do this."
She also checked my pee and told me I was showing high signs of preeclampsia, high high levels of protein in my pee, high blood pressure and lots of swelling. We asked what that meant, what could that do to me and the baby?
It was bad really bad, one of us could die.
My poor husband,
my wonderful husband,
my strong brave husband told me that during all this time he was filled with fear. It was so hard for him to see me in so much pain, vomiting and unable to eat when there was nothing he could do to make it better. We didn't know if we should go to the hospital or not, everything was so overwhelming and chaotic. He decided to go upstairs and call his father to ask for wisdom. I can't help but cry when I remember that he told me he called his dad and just wept, he was so afraid.
Elijah is a wonderful leader and I'm so glad I had him with me, I desperatley wanted to go the hospital but I was just so beat and spent I couldn't even make a choice or speak. He made the call, we were going to the hospital.
The ride there was hard, it was s o h a r d t o m o v e and I was vomiting. I remember we got there and they put me in a wheel chair, oh praise the Lord for that, my mind was reeling and I was mentally begging for help, for drugs, for anything they could do to stop. this. pain.
They asked if I wanted an epidural, yes ohhhh yes. But with all the testing they had to do first it took forever to get it to me, almost 45 minutes. I remember I kept telling myself with each contraction, "ok THIS is the last one, soon you'll have the epidural, this is the LAST ONE you have to make it through". I was at a 6 at this point.
Finally the time for the epidural came. Finally.
They told me I would have to hold still for almost 15 minutes during the procedure, even during contractions I couldn't move at all.
I didn't care what I had to do I would take the dang thing and shove it in myself if I had to. I clung to my husband in front of me and prayed harder than I ever have, begging God to not give me any contractions, just hold off tell after the doctor finished.
God is good and He answered my prayer. For the first time since about 3:30 in the afternoon (it was after 11pm) my contractions stopped. My next contraction didn't come until he pulled the needle out.
In about ten minutes the beautiful epidural kicked in, and finally I felt like myself again.
I did feel guilty.
I was supposed to have a home birth, natural, no drugs...I felt like I was too weak, but God told me in that moment. "The epidural is my grace." And I felt peace, there is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it and it;s his grace that I was born into a time period with that kind of medicine.
Our midwife and Roberta (Elijah's step mom) stayed with us the whole time, tell the very end and even my father in law, Gary came by for awhile to support us.
It made a world of difference to see all those people there, fighting with us...staying with us through this crazy ordeal.
But most of all was my husband. He never left my side, he gave me water whenever I beckoned for it and slept in a chair next to my bed, he is my hero.
After about two hours I had dilated to a ten and the nurse, Katie, told me I could start pushing which I couldn't believe! I had read this was the easy part...
um yea who said that?
I didn't ever have an uncontrollable urge to push which made it hard but I would just push with each contraction. They were painful again but nothing like before. The hard part was pushing and feeling like nothing was happening.
They eventually lowered a bar for me to hold onto and told me I could get on my hands and knees if I wanted to...but I didn't, I was so tired and in the thick of it I couldn't imagine moving. With each push I'd pull up on the bar and give it my all, about 3 pushes each contraction I was yelling to try to push harder and I could feel my face getting red and hot with the effort, sometimes it felt like my head was going to pop they said she was moving down but it didn't feel like it. Our beautiful little baby was doing so well, her heart rate was wonderful the entire time and she took it all like a champ.
Elijah (and sometimes Paulette and Roberta) and the nurses were holding my legs open as I pushed and it began to be incredibly incredibly painful, as her head got nearer to crowning the pressure/pain was just astronomical. I wanted her out, and I wanted her out now...but it didn't matter how hard I pushed I couldn't get her there! I was yelling out loud and in my head and doing everything I could think of but she would come down and then recede each time because my contractions were now about 6 minutes apart. Our doctor kept telling me, "this next ones the one, this next ones it! PUSH PUSH PUSH!" but it never was, I told her so once and she laughed and said "one of these times it'll be true!"
Eventually they offered to use an extractor because I was getting exhausted but I said no, I could do this, I knew I could but I was so weak but just when I wanted to give up and ask them to get the extractor the Lord would give me a vision.
I kept seeing angels, tons of angels all lined up in a semicircle and beautiful radiance and light everywhere like the heavens were opened to me and in the middle would be God holding my little baby girl, and all of heaven, all the angels were cheering and yelling and celebrating my beautiful baby coming into the world, and it always gave me strength to keep pushing.
Our doctor offered to give me an episiotomy, she said I was going to tear anyway and it would help her get past the last little bit...I didn't know what to do! I had read so many woman talk about how bad they are but I wanted to get this baby out! I was so weak and I kept whimpering and I just didn't know what to decide. But then Roberta stepped in and told me she thought I should do it and it was all the encouragement I needed, I agreed to the episiotomy and after I was cut our beautiful baby girl came into the world.
She was born March 26th at 8:19am.
That last push I remember so well.
There were tons of people in the room now, tons of nurses cheering..probably 10 people all together all yelling PUSH PUSH PUSH! Some women hate that but it really helped me, I was yelling, they were yelling and the collected force of it really gave me the last umph I needed, I gave it everything I had and then some and then some and then some and finally her head was coming out! The doctor said "one more!" but my body took over at that point and knew I didn't need it, it just kind of gave this involuntary wiggle and out she slid like a wet seal. For some reason I can't forget the sensation of her sliding out like that, and then they put her on me.
And I was totally shocked...after 25 hours of crazy pain and 3 1/2 hours of crazy pushing they just plopped her on me and I had forgotten, I forgot that this is what I was doing this all for! In all the survival mode I forgot that I got a baby at the end!
I just looked down at her without really registering what was happening...here was this blue slimy little thing looking up right at me! I remember crying but it still not really clicking what was happening and then they were taking her away because she wasn't breathing. I didn't want them too but Paulette was next to me and told me it was ok, that they had too. And I remember knowing she was Ariel Genesis Nelson.
I couldn't see her but I could see Elijah's face as he looked her,
radiant wonder.
All the nurses were in the way and talking to her and I wanted to see her so badly!!
The rest of my memory is VERY fuzzy for some reason and I can't remember the order of events. I remember they were stitching me and asking me if I wanted to hold her so I could nurse but I wanted them to finish the stitches first, I didn't want them to ruin that special moment by stitching me up during it. And that's really the last thing I remember clearly...I know I had held her and nursed her but I honestly can't remember it. I know I wouldn't let them take her away to do all her stuff because I wanted to never let her go... I wish I remembered those moments more clearly, my first moments with my perfect beautiful daughter but I think my mind and body were just done after everything I went through.
So here we are today. Ariel is 8 weeks old and motherhood is the hardest most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.
It's funny but my labor and delivery were so different from every birth story I read but I am happy that we ended up in the hospital. God had it planned the whole time and knew what we needed and the staff was wonderful and the room was so welcoming and cozy and the epidural helped me to be able to make it through.
After experiencing the birth I never wanted I have two things to say.
1. I was always TERRIFIED of giving birth, and after reading a million wonderful birth stories of how glorious it could be it ended up being more like I feared than what I read about. But it's like cliff diving, yes it's scary and yes I'm screaming the whole way down but after you land in the water you kind of realize that you're ok and if you had to you could do it again. And now looking down at this little sleeping bundle of sweet smelling perfection I would do it all again in a heartbeat for her. She was worth every contraction and every push and every painstaking minute of it.
and 2.
I don't think labor ever ends.
Seems to me that you go into labor and you never really come out again...it's kind of like a doorway - You enter it but you dont' leave the way you came, you kind of just keep on walking. New struggles and hardships and moments of paralyzing love sweep you off your feet every other step but you just keep on walking,
there is no going back...
and I never want to.
