The GLORY of Growing

A few weeks ago I awoke from a bad dream in which my daughter had been kidnapped. I woke up feeling an overwhelming rush of love for her and enjoyment of her, but also fear of her growing and losing the closeness we currently share. Can anyone relate to that? It was an overwhelming despair just thinking that one day she wouldn't want to cuddle and kiss me all the time - she'd have her own life, maybe live far away and I'd only receive occasional phone calls. Horrible.
My daughter is 1 year old and I love our relationship so this just really scared me and was heavy on my heart that morning. Life couldn't be paused, she was/is growing and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
But in the midst of it I could tell that it probably wasn't a Godly emotion or one based in truth and I needed the Lord to renew my mind and refresh my heart so I wouldn't be so weighed down.

I went to proverbs to continue my study of motherhood/parenting and picked up where I had left off the day before.

"My son, if your heart is wise,my heart too will be glad. My inmost being will exultwhen your lips speak what is right. Let not your heart envy sinners,but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day. Surely there is a future,and your hope will not be cut off. Hear, my son, and be wise,and direct your heart in the way. Be not among drunkardsor among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty,and slumber will clothe them with rags. Listen to your father who gave you life,and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it;buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad;let her who bore you rejoice. My son, give me your heart,and let your eyes observe my ways. For a prostitute is a deep pit;an adulteress is a narrow well. She lies in wait like a robberand increases the traitors among mankind." -Proverbs 23:15-28

I heard Jesus speak to me "what is he praying for here?"
As I read it again it dawned on me, the author wasn't praying for his son to never grow and stay a small dependent child forever. He was praying for his son to walk in godliness, in wisdom, in the paths of righteousness and of life. He was exhorting him to listen to the council of his parents and treat them with gentleness and honor. He was warning against sinfulness.
And the Holy Spirit revealed to my heart through this passage that there is a GLORY in a child growing, and that glory is that the child grows into an adult who can choose to love the Lord, who can choose to walk in God's ways and bring the Lord honor and glory.The glory of my daughter growing is that she is growing into a woman who will no longer depend on our relationship but will depend on Him and Him alone.

He breathed life to me that morning through his word, and I still feel encouraged by it. I hope you find encouragement in this truth in your own beautiful heart as well whether you have children or not.
Being a mother is amazing, but it isn't for the purpose of having a child to myself - but partnering with the Lord in birthing and growing someone who will one day completely be released from my care. (Though never from my heart!)

My daughter was never mine, she was and always will be His.
One day she will be an adult and we will sit side by side and share together as sisters in Christ and I know in that moment I will be more proud than ever - hearing her what He is speaking to her and revealing to her beautiful heart. Hearing her share out of her own relationship with her heavenly Father and lover of her soul.

And that will be absolutely glorious.

The Birth Story I Never Wanted but Would Never Change

March 25th was a day I will never forget, the day my life changed forever. 

I was due April 18th and could not wait for the day to come. I was so uncomfortable in my pregnancy being nine months along and I didn't know how I could make it another month. My ankles and feet were so swollen it was hard to walk and I was having tons of back pain and pain in my hips as well as a hard time breathing with someones little feet in my ribs. I had just been at MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) the previous day telling all my friends how I hoped that our little girl would come early because I didn't think I could make it. 

I wanted my pregnancy to feel all wonderful and special but at that point it just hurt and I was ready for it to be done! 

Careful what you wish for.

The next morning I woke up at 7:30am with a feeling like menstrual cramps. It didn't feel like labor because it wasn't stopping and starting, it was just one long continuous cramp and according to all the many many birth stories and labor books I read that's not what it felt like. I assumed that Ariel was just laying in some weird position putting pressure on me in such a way that was causing cramps, so I got up and started going about my day but the cramp continued to get stronger. 

When in doubt call your mama! 

I love how my mom is always there for me no matter what, even though she's far away in a different country I know I can always call her. We talked on the phone for a few minutes and she told me she thought I was probably just having braxton and hicks, I hadn't had them yet so we both agreed that's probably what it was but I promised to call her back in a few hours if it didn't stop. 

An hour or so later I started to get a little worried because I was still cramping! I didn't think it could be labor because I didn't have that "feeling", the feeling every woman says she has when its her time and she just knows its going to be that day but I decided to call my midwife anyway. Paulette, our sweet tender kind midwife didn't think it was labor either, after all our baby girl wasn't due for another 4 weeks or so! She didn't seem worried at all and told me I could just continue going about my day.

So I met up with a good friend Kayla and we went out for coffee and manicures, catching up and sharing about our lives. It had been awhile since I'd seen her and it was so sweet to share about everything going on with us. But in the background of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about the pain I was feeling that continued to get stronger and stronger. I noticed that I was starting to walk funny and couldn't close my legs properly, but I just shrugged it off and continued enjoying myself. At the manicure salon I was joking about how my water could break right on her feet and she might have to catch my baby, she nonchalantly shrugged and said she'd grab the pedicure tub if she needed to. I guess nail technicians are really well trained these days! 

After our manicure K and me decided to stop by Terry's Health Food Store before heading home so she could grab some essential oils. While we were there I really had to pee so I waddled as quickly as I could to the bathroom. As I started peeing I suddenly had this sharp shooting INTENSE pain but I felt relieved because it was obviously a bladder infection! I called Paulette and told her what I was experiencing and she agreed and told me what medicine to grab while I was at Terry's. I remember thinking how perfect the Lord had timed it, that I would find out I had a bladder infection WHILE I was at Terry's and could pick up the medicine. 

I remember having a hard time choosing between two types of cranberry pills.

I remember wondering if I should by the chapstick on the check out counter, I remember Kayla showing me what she purchased as we headed out the door, french tipped fingers and laughter.

I remember waddling out the front door and reaching the car when 

BAM.

It felt like something punched through my downstairs, no lie. It was a sharp pop of pain that caused me to give a little cry and fall/lean over onto the car.

And then my water came gushing out like Niagara falls, all over the curb and sidewalk right outside of Terry's. 

I yelled out to Kayla, "MY WATER BROKE!" and she asked if I was sure, and oh was I sure because it continued to gush out, against my control, as we spoke! I couldn't believe it, I think I was in shock. I kept looking down at my dark blue maternity jeggings, coffee in one hand, Terry's medicine in the other. We took me back inside where I waddled to the bathroom. 

I am so incredibly happy to have had Kayla with me, she was the perfect friend to me at that time. She came into the bathroom with me while I sat on the toilet in total shock. 

This was pretty much my thought process/conversation at the time,

I know I should be calling people but who do I call, WOAH that's a lot of water, is it still coming out? Will it ever stop? Kayla I think I'm gonna have diarhhea and I can't stop it! I need to call my mom! Mom, hello? I'M IN LABOR! MY WATER BROKE I'M AT TERRY'S HEALTH FOOD STORE! IT CAME GUSHING OUT! THERE'S SO MUCH WATER! MOM? MOM? STOP SQUEELING AND LISTEN TO ME! I have to call the midwife! oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm in labor. I'm IN LABOR. Paulette? Hello Paulette? MY WATER BROKE! Yes, I'm at Terry's!! Oh I'm SURE it's my water. *hysterical laughing* Ok, should I go home? Ok. Ok I'll see you later!

I couldn't have made it through without Kayla who should seriously consider being a Doula. She was so supportive and wonderful, she was making calls and laughing with me and freaking out with me as only a real friend can. :) 

We couldn't get ahold of Elijah so I think I called our friend Kitty who went off Fast and Furious style to go find him. (my memory gets a little fuzzy here and there as the shock, and later pain made everything seem so surreal)

Kayla drove me and I contracted in her car while we chatted about her boyfriend, this was not the day I had in mind for my labor but it was definitely here and there was no stopping it! 

We got inside to find Roberta there and her and Kayla helped me sit down and get comfortable. At this point the contractions stopped and I was feeling very calm/excited and so thankful other women were with me and I wasn't alone. Half an hour later my beautiful husband arrived. He was feeling pretty stressed at the suddenness of it all! This was not what we were expecting! I think he called our midwife, Paulette and made sure she was coming. 

After being home for about 30 minutes my contractions really started. Now I knew that these were contractions because they would come on and my whole body would tense with the pain, but so far it was manageable. I did my deep breathing while Lij (my husband) or Kayla timed the contractions. Eventually Kayla left to get birth supplies because we hadn't ordered ours yet and that's about the last thing I remember with clarity because that's when my contractions kicked up to about a 10. 

Suddenly each contraction was so intensely painful that my body didn't just tense with pain it felt more like my body became pain. I began clenching and unclenching my toes as I receded more and more into myself. 

Was I already in the zone? I thought that wouldn't happen tell way later, but I knew I was. I was so removed from everything around me, I lost all sense of purpose and self. I wasn't thinking about birth or delivery or that I'd get a baby at the end of all of this, and all I wanted was silence, darkness, and to be left alone. I was surprised that I was able to handle the pain as strong as it was but I lost all concept of time - present, past, or future. There were only the waves... the crashing tidal wave of each contraction, and the tide that would pull them out again giving me a brief moment of rest. I was 2-3 minutes between contractions from the very beginning. I vaguely remember the sky getting darker.

Mostly I remember Jesus. 

He really was my constant companion through the whole process, and He was where I went with every contraction. I would cry out to Him every time, like a safety raft in a storming ocean I would throw myself upon Him again and again. Begging Him to take the pain, repeating to myself that He is the way, the truth, and the life, crying out with each contraction that it wasn't my pain it was His power. I stayed in constant continually prayer with Him in my mind and it's really the only thing that got me through because at this point each contraction felt like it would rip me apart, like my cells must be splitting and be torn into pieces. It was so much worse that I ever thought it would be. But in the moment I couldn't think of that, I could just survive and throw myself on the Rock of Ages again and again. 

I began vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't believe how different my labor was going from every other labor story I had read.. my consolation was that our baby must be coming quickly! I was sure I'd be pushing very soon which gave me courage to continue! 

Lij checked the time and I had been having these contractions for seven hours, I heard him say that somewhere out there in the world I had checked out from and I remember thinking, "wow I've been doing this for seven hours? It doesn't feel that long!" 

At some point our midwife got there and began setting up the birthing pool, I remember thinking it was rude that I hadn't said hi to her before being swept away on another contraction. She decided to check my dilation, this was the part I was ready for, to be told I would get to push soon. 

I was at a 3. 

a T H R E E.

I couldn't believe it. All the courage and the confidence I felt left when she pronounced that number, it felt like a death sentence and I thought to myself, "I can't do this." 

She also checked my pee and told me I was showing high signs of preeclampsia, high high levels of protein in my pee, high blood pressure and lots of swelling. We asked what that meant, what could that do to me and the baby?

It was bad really bad, one of us could die.

My poor husband,

my wonderful husband, 

my strong brave husband told me that during all this time he was filled with fear. It was so hard for him to see me in so much pain, vomiting and unable to eat when there was nothing he could do to make it better. We didn't know if we should go to the hospital or not, everything was so overwhelming and chaotic. He decided to go upstairs and call his father to ask for wisdom. I can't help but cry when I remember that he told me he called his dad and just wept, he was so afraid. 

Elijah is a wonderful leader and I'm so glad I had him with me, I desperatley wanted to go the hospital but I was just so beat and spent I couldn't even make a choice or speak. He made the call, we were going to the hospital. 

The ride there was hard, it was   s o   h a r d   t o   m o v e   and I was vomiting. I remember we got there and they put me in a wheel chair, oh praise the Lord for that, my mind was reeling and I was mentally begging for help, for drugs, for anything they could do to stop. this. pain.

They asked if I wanted an epidural, yes ohhhh yes. But with all the testing they had to do first it took forever to get it to me, almost 45 minutes. I remember I kept telling myself with each contraction, "ok THIS is the last one, soon you'll have the epidural, this is the LAST ONE you have to make it through". I was at a 6 at this point.

Finally the time for the epidural came. Finally.

They told me I would have to hold still for almost 15 minutes during the procedure, even during contractions I couldn't move at all. 

I didn't care what I had to do I would take the dang thing and shove it in myself if I had to. I clung to my husband in front of me and prayed harder than I ever have, begging God to not give me any contractions, just hold off tell after the doctor finished.

God is good and He answered my prayer. For the first time since about 3:30 in the afternoon (it was after 11pm) my contractions stopped. My next contraction didn't come until he pulled the needle out. 

In about ten minutes the beautiful epidural kicked in, and finally I felt like myself again.

I did feel guilty. 

I was supposed to have a home birth, natural, no drugs...I felt like I was too weak, but God told me in that moment. "The epidural is my grace." And I felt peace, there is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it and it;s his grace that I was born into a time period with that kind of medicine. 

Our midwife and Roberta (Elijah's step mom) stayed with us the whole time, tell the very end and even my father in law, Gary came by for awhile to support us. 

It made a world of difference to see all those people there, fighting with us...staying with us through this crazy ordeal.

But most of all was my husband. He never left my side, he gave me water whenever I beckoned for it and slept in a chair next to my bed, he is my hero. 

After about two hours I had dilated to a ten and the nurse, Katie, told me I could start pushing which I couldn't believe! I had read this was the easy part...

um yea who said that?

I didn't ever have an uncontrollable urge to push which made it hard but I would just push with each contraction. They were painful again but nothing like before. The hard part was pushing and feeling like nothing was happening.

They eventually lowered a bar for me to hold onto and told me I could get on my hands and knees if I wanted to...but I didn't, I was so tired and in the thick of it I couldn't imagine moving. With each push I'd pull up on the bar and give it my all, about 3 pushes each contraction I was yelling to try to push harder and I could feel my face getting red and hot with the effort, sometimes it felt like my head was going to pop they said she was moving down but it didn't feel like it. Our beautiful little baby was doing so well, her heart rate was wonderful the entire time and she took it all like a champ. 

Elijah (and sometimes Paulette and Roberta) and the nurses were holding my legs open as I pushed and it began to be incredibly incredibly painful, as her head got nearer to crowning the pressure/pain was just astronomical. I wanted her out, and I wanted her out now...but it didn't matter how hard I pushed I couldn't get her there! I was yelling out loud and in my head and doing everything I could think of but she would come down and then recede each time because my contractions were now about 6 minutes apart. Our doctor kept telling me, "this next ones the one, this next ones it! PUSH PUSH PUSH!" but it never was, I told her so once and she laughed and said "one of these times it'll be true!" 

Eventually they offered to use an extractor because I was getting exhausted but I said no, I could do this, I knew I could but I was so weak but just when I wanted to give up and ask them to get the extractor the Lord would give me a vision.

I kept seeing angels, tons of angels all lined up in a semicircle and beautiful radiance and light everywhere like the heavens were opened to me and in the middle would be God holding my little baby girl, and all of heaven, all the angels were cheering and yelling and celebrating my beautiful baby coming into the world, and it always gave me strength to keep pushing.

Our doctor offered to give me an episiotomy, she said I was going to tear anyway and it would help her get past the last little bit...I didn't know what to do! I had read so many woman talk about how bad they are but I wanted to get this baby out! I was so weak and I kept whimpering and I just didn't know what to decide. But then Roberta stepped in and told me she thought I should do it and it was all the encouragement I needed, I agreed to the episiotomy and after I was cut our beautiful baby girl came into the world.

She was born March 26th at 8:19am.

That last push I remember so well.

There were tons of people in the room now, tons of nurses cheering..probably 10 people all together all yelling PUSH PUSH PUSH! Some women hate that but it really helped me, I was yelling, they were yelling and the collected force of it really gave me the last umph I needed, I gave it everything I had and then some and then some and then some and finally her head was coming out! The doctor said "one more!" but my body took over at that point and knew I didn't need it, it just kind of gave this involuntary wiggle and out she slid like a wet seal. For some reason I can't forget the sensation of her sliding out like that, and then they put her on me.

And I was totally shocked...after 25 hours of crazy pain and 3 1/2 hours of crazy pushing they just plopped her on me and I had forgotten, I forgot that this is what I was doing this all for! In all the survival mode I forgot that I got a baby at the end! 

I just looked down at her without really registering what was happening...here was this blue slimy little thing looking up right at me! I remember crying but it still not really clicking what was happening and then they were taking her away because she wasn't breathing. I didn't want them too but Paulette was next to me and told me it was ok, that they had too. And I remember knowing she was Ariel Genesis Nelson. 

I couldn't see her but I could see Elijah's face as he looked her,

radiant wonder.

All the nurses were in the way and talking to her and I wanted to see her so badly!! 

The rest of my memory is VERY fuzzy for some reason and I can't remember the order of events. I remember they were stitching me and asking me if I wanted to hold her so I could nurse but I wanted them to finish the stitches first, I didn't want them to ruin that special moment by stitching me up during it. And that's really the last thing I remember clearly...I know I had held her and nursed her but I honestly can't remember it. I know I wouldn't let them take her away to do all her stuff because I wanted to never let her go... I wish I remembered those moments more clearly, my first moments with my perfect beautiful daughter but I think my mind and body were just done after everything I went through.

So here we are today. Ariel is 8 weeks old and motherhood is the hardest most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.

It's funny but my labor and delivery were so different from every birth story I read but I am happy that we ended up in the hospital. God had it planned the whole time and knew what we needed and the staff was wonderful and the room was so welcoming and cozy and the epidural helped me to be able to make it through. 

After experiencing the birth I never wanted I have two things to say.

1. I was always TERRIFIED of giving birth, and after reading a million wonderful birth stories of how glorious it could be it ended up being more like I feared than what I read about. But it's like cliff diving, yes it's scary and yes I'm screaming the whole way down but after you land in the water you kind of realize that you're ok and if you had to you could do it again. And now looking down at this little sleeping bundle of sweet smelling perfection I would do it all again in a heartbeat for her. She was worth every contraction and every push and every painstaking minute of it.

and 2.

I don't think labor ever ends. 

Seems to me that you go into labor and you never really come out again...it's kind of like a doorway - You enter it but you dont' leave the way you came, you kind of just keep on walking. New struggles and hardships and moments of paralyzing love sweep you off your feet every other step but you just keep on walking,

there is no going back...

and I never want to.

Update On Our Little Family

Hello! It's been a long time since I've written on here, turns out having a baby is very time consuming! Who knew? But just this week Ariel is starting to be ok with being put down while she's sleeping and I'm finding myself with a little free time!

I guess this post will just be a little update on what's going on with me and my beautiful little family.

- About two weeks ago Ariel started sleeping at night! Since she was born she had her schedule switched (awake at night, asleep during the day) and then one day it just switched. She woke me up crying because she was hungry and when I checked the clock it had been 3 hours! Say what? Perhaps it was just an anomaly, a brief respite from the Lord? I wasn't going to hold my breath. And then it happened again! Another 3 hours before her next feeding! Up until that point she'd been waking up every 1 -2 hours to eat at night, and staying awake for a long while each time.
That next day I walked around in fresh-wide-eyed-wonder ...colors seemed brighter, smells stronger...is this what it felt like to sleep? I had forgotten. But I figured it was a one hit wonder and we'd be back to her usual the next night...but instead the opposite happened! She's now sleeping 2-4 hour stints at night between each feeding and seldomly waking up after.
PRAISE
THE 
LORD

- After passing the newborn sleepy phase (where you could have hung her by her toes and she wouldn't have woken up) Ariel started wanting to be held ALL. THE. TIME. Even when she was in a deep sleep you couldn't put her down. Lots of other parents were encouraging us to just leave her and let her cry it out, but after trying it really didn't feel right to us, and after doing some research we really didn't agree with that method of parenting. And so the only alternative was to hold her, which meant I couldn't really get anything else done.
It's really funny what the Lord will choose to speak to you through...
a few mornings ago I woke up with an eminem song in my head from middle/high school. I don't even know how I remembered the lyrics but what was stuck in my head was
"you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to glow, cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime"

After rapping it a few times in the kitchen my husband told me he thought it was a word from the Lord for me to just be thankful and live in the moment; this opportunity to cuddle Ariel without interruption would likely never happen again in our lives. Funny how when you "learn the lesson" He kind of moves you on in your life.
A day or two later Ariel totally changed and is now much more content to lie down when she is napping, or sit in her swing for a little while.
And I did the laundry and snuggled my daughter.
PRAISE 
THE 
LORD!

- The Lord has been speaking to me and my husband, Elijah, about being faithful in the little, about cultivating the gifts he's given us here in this season if we want Him to trust us with more in the future.
So we are signing up for WorshipU with Bethel Church in Redding, California. It's an online learning program for worship leaders. They have online videos teaching you everything from theology to songwriting to vocal/musical instrument lessons. We're also going to be starting a worship night at our house 1-2 times a month in the near future.
Besides that we've also been working on songwriting and are putting together a little home made album.

- I am getting my hair cut today! Having really long hair and a newborn is no bueno. At least not for me! It's constantly getting in the way while nursing or when I'm trying to pick her up, and it feels hot and sticky on my neck and shoulders while I'm carrying a baby around. So I am lobbing it off today! I feel pretty nervous about it, last time I cut it short the lady didn't put enough layers and I had the dreaded "triangle head" (my curly haired girls can I get an amen?!)

- We started trying to use cloth diapers and I realize I hadn't bought nearly enough, (I'll give my thoughts on CDing in a later post) but we bought some more and I'm excited to get started! Can't wait to share how it's going!

- Also, I've been trying to wear Ariel for awhile now. We've tried 3 different carriers and for the most part she does not like it. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to settle down in there but so far nothing. I'm going to keep trying because I really want to be able to wear her so if any of you would like to keep us in your prayers please pray that she would love being in the sling!

- Life is sweet, and hard, and boring, and wonderful all at the same time as I continue on this journey of motherhood...learning how to remember to keep my husband first, learning to still pursue the Lord, learning to be content and thankful in this slower season of life, learning, learning, learning.
And falling more in love with Jesus, always more of that Lord!



This is just a quick glimpse at what we've been going through in the Nelson casa, I'm excited to pick back up blogging - its nice to have a place to chat with all you big people, although if I can be totally honest the conversation does feel a bit one-sided :/
;)

Well that's all for now,
happy homemaking!



Prayer Requests:
-pray our garden would yield much fruit (that's fancy talk for grow a lot of food)
-pray Ariel would continue to grow healthy and strong
-pray we would come up with ways to get her to settle during her usual fuss period (starting anywhere from 6-9pm until 11-1am)
-pray that Lij and I would be disciplined to do what we feel God asking us in this season
-pray for contentment and joy
-pray Lij and I would find ways to connect and have quality time in this new season with a newborn

Thanks for all your love and prayers
-The Nelson Casa

Pregnancy Update!

With all our friends and family spread out around the globe I thought I'd share how our pregnancy is and has been going so everyone could take part and share in our joy with us!


1st Trimester:

oofda.
This trimester was really really hard for us. I've never felt so sick in my whole life! I had constant nausea everyday all day, the thought of any food or any drink, including water, was pure torture...and if I thought thinking about them was bad seeing them was even worse and smelling them...
well there aren't words.
Many days I'd lay on the floor and not move from that one position for hours on end, desperately praying that the my stomach would settle...and it did about 14 weeks later.
It was so bad I kept telling myself that if I lived through this I was never going to get pregnant again. (Don't worry, that thinking didn't last and by 20 weeks I wanted to have 100 babies back to back.)

I was really really sensitive to smell in this trimester and almost anything that had any smell made me want to run to the bathroom, especially the way Lij smelt after working with wood all day...something about that woody smell really got to me. Thankfully I didn't end up vomiting too many times during this trimester it was mostly just constant intense nausea.
Whoever called it "morning" sickness was never pregnant,
of that I'm certain.



2nd Trimester:

This trimester was amazing as far as symptoms go, the only real issue I had physically was I developed pregnancy rhinitis... from what I understand because of certain hormones in your system the membranes in your nose swell giving you a constant stuffy nose with little to no respite... the pregnancy book said "but don't worry symptoms should clear up a week or two after birth!"
A WEEK OR TWO AFTER BIRTH?!! THAT'S MONTHS AWAY!
Eventually I got used to the constant congestion and it did ease up some as time went on. Another strange symptom I had was swelling in my face towards the last few weeks of this trimester.. I'd wake up with an eye swollen shut, the side of my nose and cheek swollen, or one of my lips swollen. It was very strange and uncommon but only lasted for a few weeks.
Some of my favorite moments from this trimester were the first time I felt the baby move and our ultrasound.

The first time I ever felt her move Lij and I were worshipping in our living room, I was sitting on the couch singing quietly along when I felt it, 3 distinct taps in my belly. I started screaming "ELIJAH THE BABY IS MOVING!" And before I'd finished speaking she had kicked again! I couldn't believe it! It was such a special and beautiful/exciting moment for us! That was right at 18 weeks.

Our ultrasound was probably one of the highlights of my entire life. We were 20 weeks along and so at that point I felt the baby moving quiet a bit. But at the ultrasound not only could I feel her move but I'd get to see what she was doing at the same time. I'd feel a jab and see a leg kick on the screen, it was magical. And this was also when we found out that we were having a baby GIRL!!! Lij and I had both felt it was a girl the whole time but began to second guess ourselves because EVERYONE else was convinced it was a boy, they were all totally shocked to see the pink onesie and not blue at our christmas reveal! I think this moment was really special for Lij as well and made it all that much more real for him. We could see this little person with arms and legs (shapely legs!) and a strong heartbeat and we had made her! There she was!! She didn't seem to like the lady pushing on my belly with the ultrasound  stick thing because she kept squirming and kicking, at one point she kicked her leg straight out!

Apparently she did get some of that spartan Greek blood from her mother. ;)

This is also the trimester when we found the Lord brought us our wonderful midwife Paulette and we decided to go with a home birth! Getting to sit and talk with her and see her personal attention and care for both Elijah and me through this process was definitely a great gift!
Unfortunately I ended up developing a kidney infection towards the end of this trimester but thankfully with lots of prayer and natural medicine it cleared up about a month later!


3rd Trimester:

This trimester has been the hardest on my body but is my favorite trimester of all. Although I had boundless amounts of energy in the second trimester and often times didn't even notice I was pregnant the third trimester tops them all because of how close I feel to our little sunshine. Out of all the trimesters of this pregnancy I feel like a mom the most in this one. I felt a shift in my heart and can feel that I've really taken on this role and calling and am getting so excited to raise this little one with my amazing husband. Now that my belly is so big that there's no way I can't notice it, the whole thing feels and seems very real!
Symptoms I'm experiencing this trimester are mostly a lot of aches and pains: back aches and pains that make it hard to sleep, pains in my ribs as the baby begins to run out of room and stretches to try to find some, and pain from sharper jabs and kicks. I'm also just generally uncomfortable as my big belly makes it hard to stand up or sit down or climb stairs the way I would have before, and makes it very hard to sleep. My poor husband is surrounded by a mountain of pillows as I desperately try to alleviate some of the pressure on my body by using pillows as support. My feet, hands, and calves are also swelling quiet a bit and make it hard to walk at times but a little elevation usually clears it up. I was really sad when I had to remove my wedding ring two weekends ago because my fingers are swelling too much. But it all feels very worth it!! And having a husband who is such a tender, compassionate helper makes it all feel manageable. He puts my shoes on, helps me hoist up to stand, helps me roll over , holds me while I cry, listens and comes to look at all the work I've done in the baby room...he really is such a gem and I could never do this without him. Love you chooey! :)

I've also been experiencing that nesting thing people talk about. For me it's a strong desire to make sure the house is clean and organized before we go into labor as well as reading as much as I can to prepare for breastfeeding and newborn care. It's so exciting that I wish she'd just hurry up and be here !! I can't wait to meet her and I find my brain is constantly full of all things baby. I imagine bathing her, carrying her, putting cute headbands on her, cuddling her, especially breastfeeding her, talking with her when she's a toddler and teaching her about the Lord, disciplining her, watching her cuddle with her dad, a million wonderful wonderful things.

 My life has been a big adventure since my wonderful husband came along, I find he's always inviting me out of my comfort zone to try new things and taking me on fun and exciting experiences. This baby is our biggest adventure yet and I can't wait to jump off this plane with the Lord as our only safety net and my husband beside me!
So friends and family, that's our pregnancy so far!!
Thanks for all of your well wishes, love, and prayer!

Kicks In the Ribs & Heart

Very soon I'll be holding a beautiful little girl in my arms.

Mind=blown.

A real life person! A real life baby!!

woah.

It's crazy and amazing to think that there will be a whole new person on the planet and I'm the doorway; she'll enter this world through me and her life starts inside of me! I can't get my mind around it, and at this point I just can't wait to meet this darling little ball of sunshine.

Baby fever is real people, she's all I think about all day long whether its folding and refolding her baby clothes, organizing the nursery, lovingly looking at her cloth diapers or smelling her newborn disposable diapers  (true story and I like the smell, of the clean ones anyway). I just can't seem to stop doing something, anything that has to do with her.

But then sometimes the idea of being a mother is really scary,
the amount of sacrifice...the inability to be selfish with my life and my desires and my time, the dependance of someone else's life on mine. I feel the worlds thinking flood into my mind, and I begin to wonder is this a valuable use of my life? Is giving up these things to raise children worth it? Am I going to pour myself into something that matters?

I was reading a chapter from a book called Mom Enough: The Fearless Mother's Heart and Hope by the women of Desiring God, and was so overly moved by their message,
in one of the chapters the author wrote,

"It is easy to think you have a heart for orphans on the other side of the world, but to resent the demands of the children in your living room.  You cannot have a heart for the gospel and fussiness about your life at the same time...A true love of the gospel overflows and overpowers. It will be in everything you do, however drab, however simple, however repetitive. God loves little offerings. Given in faith, that plate of PB&Js will feed thousands. Your laundry pile, selflessly tackled daily, will be used in the hands of God to clothe many. Offered with thankfulness, your work at home is only the beggining. Do not think that your work does not matter. In God's hands, your offerings will be broken, and broken, and broken again, until all have eaten and are satisfied.

And even then, there will be leftovers."

When I was a little girl all I wanted to be was a mommy, I had my beautiful baby born baby doll, who pooped and peed out the food you fed her I might add, and I would walk her around the town in my little stroller and change her little diapers. I loved her dearly.
And yet, somewhere along the way I got swept up in the cultural mindset that being a mother wasn't worth much and didn't amount to anything, that it was a drain on your time and life...

but then I lay in bed at night,
and I feel this little girl inside me...so dependent on me, so trustful of my ability to provide what she needs, so safe in her haven in my tummy...
I feel her toss and turn and stretch out her tiny arms and legs,
I feel her hiccup, and shove her feet into my ribs and I'm lost for words and yet found somewhere in this calling on my life.
In the call to lay down my life and die a thousand deaths for my children I feel my heart blossom into life, like she wiggled those teeny toes up my ribs and right into my heart and I want nothing else in all the world than to give her all my love,
than to make every sacrifice necessary for her.

The world has it wrong,
and it's because it doesn't understand the nature of love...to give everything even to the point of death and come alive in the sacrifice of it all.


I guess in the end, that's why He died isn't it?
Because He so loved the world, because He so loved you and me and this little girl in my belly...
he loved 
and so he died, and brought the rest of us life through his dieing.




For all the moms out there,
know that your sacrifices really are seen and really do matter. Even if no one says thanks you, even if its the thousandth dish you've washed today, or the millionth sandwich you've made...there's something much bigger you're doing here. You're pouring life into lives and being examples of His love, what a worthy way to spend your talents and efforts and time. And thank you, thank you for it all.

For all the women who are going to be mamas soon,
 Know that it will be a sacrifice but it will be worth it, and you are stepping into more than a role, or a season, you are stepping into a calling and a hope, into a love like you've never known. Even though your back might hurt, or you may be reading this in your brief respites between toilet bowl hugs, even though your feet are so swollen you can't remember what an ankle is or if you've ever seen one down there (not that you can see much past your belly anyway)...just know its worth it, theres a little person in there who makes all the uncomfortable moments and pains worth it, and your sacrifice even now is giving them life.



love you all. <3
-one in love mama :)

Begginings

October 12th I married the man of my dreams (literally), and it has already proven to be the best decision I have ever made other than choosing to give my life to Christ.
My husband is my other half and my best friend and now that I have him I couldn't imagine life without him!

In the past (almost) 2 months of marriage the Lord has already begun to teach me so much about selfishness and selflessness, about ministry, about true love, about Himself, about myself, and especially about the call to being a wife and one day mother.
And it just might be my new favorite topic! I'm practically bursting to share what He's putting on my heart, what he's showing me about this call and how beautiful it is, and how much value it has.
I'm still learning, I'll always be learning, but with all the other wives out there I thought it would be fun and encouraging to share my story and my struggle with you.

There are so many new young wives I know and I just want to encourage you,
what nobody sees HE sees,
and what seems small and seems insignificant is often of great value and importance in HIS eyes.
He sees the small sacrifices you make for your husband and family, He sees you struggle with the desire to fulfill old dreams and to make room in your heart for new ones, and He loves you.
You are your husbands helper and it is a beautiful great task,
but the Lord is YOUR helper and you NEVER bear the burden alone.

To all the wives who have been wives for many years,
thank you.
Thank you for your faithfulness in the face of many voices who tell you that what you do is of no significance. Thank you for fighting the fight and continuing on.
He sees that you are tired, He sees when you are over OR underwhelmed, and He bids you to come to Him and find rest and new life in His everlasting arms.
He is with you and has been with you and always will be.

All my love from here to there,
Happy Homemaking!